10 observations from a practising psychologist on how to love a man. No theory, just practical working tips:
Over the past six years of my practice, I have spoken to more than two hundred couples, and this experience allows me to question Lev Nikolayevich’s beautiful phrase that every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. Given a finite number of factors that shape your personality, psychology is much more like math than you might think. And there are certainly things that can be put out of brackets in most equations.
Naturally, everything is individual, but on average, a woman is a more emotional being, which takes more time to come to logical conclusions. In the interval between feeling and thinking, she manages to break up firewood and spoil communication. In the light of inexperience and peculiarities of upbringing, some girls live exclusively in this period, they never have time to reason, because another emotion or fantasy overtakes them, and the cycle begins from the beginning. Boring men by nature are not inclined to build castles in the air inside themselves and live in a geometrically simple world of seemingly obvious realities. To get out of the twilight, a woman should learn to slow down her emotional processes and force her mental ones, and at first, at least thoughtlessly follow the rules of her aunt-psychologist.
1. Remember every minute what the purpose of your relationship with a man is
For normal people, the goal of relationships is to provide maximum comfort for a long time, that is, to make yourself and your partner happy. So repeat this to yourself every time you want to teach, treat, criticize your boyfriend, break down on him during PMS, be violently jealous, ask about his leisure time, express your opinion about his friends, argue about politics, religion and the colour of his pants. Is your rightness or interest in a particular situation worth the peace and joy that you deprive your partner off? At therapy sessions, I listen to a couple and each one separately, so, without going into anti-ethical specifics, but in accordance with the spirit of freedom, I can say: about two-thirds of the sources of conflict are described by the scheme as “a woman came up with a problem out of the blue and inflated the lack of reaction of a man to it to the scale of
2. Praise him
If he’s not worth praising and doesn’t do everything right, what the hell are you even doing next to this loser? Leave, do not prolong the agony for each other, see point 1. Do not be a grumpy mother, strict boss, capricious daughter for him — take only positive components from all these hypostases: constant but unobtrusive care, interest in his growth, admiration for his coolness. Many people in their childhood heard the expression “over-praised — spoiled”, so this is a myth, it is impossible to praise an adult sane person, he has a bar of self-esteem. And to praise does not mean to flatter, it means to look at him with a desire to see good things. Praise is pleasant to everyone, if you don’t adopt it, there will be smarter people with whom he will communicate.
3. Don’t humiliate him or make a scene in public
Showdowns in public places are taboo because the public image of a respectable and reliable man is much more important for a man than for a woman who, under the current social system, can still afford to be a beautiful, frivolous dummy. When the “half”, the most trusted person, begins to undermine the authority of a man in front of his friends, colleagues or the crowd in the subway, it is perceived as a knife in the back. This is often forgiven but never forgotten. Making a man lose face is one of the biggest strategic blunders of a woman in a relationship. You will be rewarded with this, do not doubt. So wait until you get home with your complaints, and at the same time cool down and think about them, see point 1.
4. Don’t use diminutives in your calls to them
Vienna, chick, kitty, hare, Masya and lapulya — this is not what your boyfriend sees himself in his dreams. It’s as if he starts calling you “mother, “girlfriend, “Private Jane,” or ” super-risky.” Presented? Forget about diminutive suffixes forever, save the affectionate ones for particularly successful sex.
5. Support their efforts, even the most idiotic ones.
When he takes your wedding rings away to play a little more slot machines, that’s one thing. When he enjoys ice fishing, playing the trombone, cross-stitch, biathlon, collecting garden gnomes, selling adzhiki of his own seaming via the Internet-this is quite another. The desire to meet new initiatives with hostility is inherent in the nature of every person because any system strives to maintain balance, but here you will have to be smarter than nature. Proceed from a realistic assessment of the maximum possible damage to you personally and to the general welfare of the family. You feel sorry for a couple of thousand dollars for the happiness of a loved one with fish, and then you wonder how fiercely he hates your trips to the shoe stores? Well, the dwarves cluttered up the entrance hall and two balconies, and what, is it really so terrible? And again: if you don’t rate or support them, someone else will, and you’ll be separated at that point.
6. The most stunning view is for him, not for meeting classmates
The syndrome of the victorious hunter who loses interest in the caught game is characteristic of women no less than men. Just because you’ve cohabited with him or tied the knot doesn’t mean he’s in love with you forever. Yes, it’s vulgar, mean and banal, but about half of my male patients complained about the facts of neglect of the girl’s appearance after the relationship entered a stable rut. If he was interested in a physicist with grey hair, a brown checked vest, and worn-out shoes, he knew what he was getting into. But since you are a blonde in curls and roses in wedding photos, and now you are a shorn something in a comfortable jumpsuit, then do not blame if you are no longer perceived as an attractive lady. Especially when you put on makeup and buy a new dress for corporate events, and at home, you go a la Naturelle in the same soft pastel things (which the male eye perceives as faded and asexual). It’s very simple, but women don’t stop making this mistake.
7. He’s the boss, period
Seriously, it’s so convenient. The main problem of feminists is trying, figuratively speaking, to unload cars when you can dance instead. Whether it’s evolution, social attitudes, or upbringing in most families, a man is bred to be a problem solver, leader, captain, and so on. It doesn’t humiliate you in any way unless you decide that you want to be humiliated. One girl sees the proffered hand when getting off the bus as gallantry, the other as a hint of her inability to jump over a puddle due to the physical weakness of her short legs. It is clear which of them enjoys communication with the opposite sex, and which suffers from the oppression of chauvinists. And it’s up to you to decide which girl to be. Give them the joy of being strong, acting, thinking, and playing the first fiddle. Give the man the lead and the dance will work. Even if they are not always right, you can then quietly correct the situation: even when in fact the lion’s share is done by you, if you love your partner, it will not be difficult to imitate the picture “you are my hero, I am only on the pick-up”. Exercise your will to power elsewhere. For example, gays, don’t care.
8. Talk about important things directly, without hinting
Men understand hints, but more often they are hints from other men or those hints that are beneficial for them to understand. They (except perhaps the Japanese) do not usually talk about the essence of the matter in the Aesopian language. When your husband wants to sell a batch of motorcycles to a client, he says: “We have a well-known brand, the warranty period is average in the market, and for wholesale, we will throw off 7%”, and not: “The autumn leaf has faded on a lonely elm tree that grew up on a sand hill, and it’s time to harness an iron horse to a reasonable creature and these We must run quickly to the south.” To put it simply, but not globally, not ” tell me directly, you stopped loving me, right?”, but “I’m tired of collecting your worms for ice fishing all over the house, that’s not what my mother raised me for, hire a housekeeper.”
9. Don’t put him at the centre of your universe, and don’t demand that he put you at the centre of his
I don’t mean genuinely caring about each other’s needs or the depth of love, but demanding attention to small things. Half an hour of talking on the phone five times a day about nothing annoys almost any man. The psychological dependence on his opinion flatters him, but it also annoys him. Therefore, do not try to officially devote your life to him, this is very scary, and reproaches for inattention, combined with meaningless emotional manifestations, will quickly tire him out, and you will be left crying and exclaiming ” ungrateful, I gave him all of me.” “You don’t even need yourself, let’s be honest. And it is clearly reasonable for him to offer the most delicious parts.
10. Learn how to cook deliciously
And cook. This is not up for discussion. The equivalent of “she doesn’t cook” for you to understand is “he brings less money into the house than she does.” Well, we have equal rights, didn’t you want that?